Tuesday, November 3, 2015

The Bad Times

The past couple weeks have been really hard.  Today was hard, actually, the hardest day in a long time.  This is probably going to be a short post because I can't handle sitting up for more than a few minutes.  (Yay another fun post about chronic pain!)

Times like this are scary.  I don't really know what causes them.  Sometimes I have an idea, but sometimes I have none.  There are a million possibilities.  Maybe I slept wrong.  Maybe I bent wrong when I was shaving my legs.  Maybe I spent too much time on the couch not moving.  Maybe I moved too much.  Maybe I sat up too much.  Maybe I didn't drink enough water.  Maybe it's the weather.  Maybe I ate too much sugar.  Maybe my vitamin d levels are low.  And these are just the ones that haven't been ruled out already by blood tests and trial and error.  The truth is that I don't know why and my doctor doesn't know why and we just have to hope that it gets better soon.

I'm always afraid that it won't get better.  I'm afraid that this will become the new normal, just like my previous normal did.  I actually don't remember what it was like to live without pain.  The concept of not feeling pain at all for a whole day is like a weird science fiction story.  I've adapted to my typical level of pain.  I know what to expect and how to manage it and I have a decent idea of what makes it better or worse.  Then this happens and I no longer know how to help myself.  Things that used to work make it worse.  Things that used to make it worse don't do anything.  I can't do things that I could do easily just a few weeks ago.

I'm so unbelievably bored.  I can only sit or stand for about 20 minutes at a time today.  Yesterday wasn't this bad, but this is today.  So I can only study or write or shower in these short little increments.  The rest of the time I have to lay down.  So I can read, and look at things on my phone, and watch tv.  Which I enjoy when I'm in less pain and when I haven't been doing it every day for three weeks.  But right now I can't get comfortable in any position, and I'm too uncomfortable to enjoy reading or watching tv.  So I'm basically just trying to distract myself until bedtime and then hope that I wake up tomorrow feeling a little better.

And this is basically how I get through the really bad days.  If I can take a shower I usually feel better for about an hour after, which is when I cook something simple (aka put things in tupperware and microwave them for lunch and text Greg to ask him to pick up dinner) and do anything really necessary.  I try to find interesting things on tv or netflix or youtube to make the time pass.  I think about what I'm going to do when I feel better.  I look forward to my next massage (tomorrow - yay!)

And sometimes I throw a massive pity party on the internet.

Welcome to my party.

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